Reconnecting

It's been a long long long time since I last had a personal blog post. Personal as opposed to it being published in my website blog with preoccupation as to how it affects my brand image and the coherence of my image as a business. Because other than that, all my posts are personal to a level. I never write anything I don't feel, and why should I? The whole point of writing for me is communicating and one can only communicate through true feelings, anything else is nothing but an exercise of style. 

It's funny to look back and realise how much have changed whilst at the same time so many other things remain in their essence. I am still a searcher of wonders, of true connections, of magic. I still get utterly frustrated in a world that chooses masks over flesh and bone. And albeit I, myself, carry and display my own masks, I have perfect awareness of what they are and why I use them and assume all responsibility for the choice of their use. In other words, I do not glamourize masks nor do I find excuses for using them. I take in all blame and admit many of them should be disposed of. One day.....one day...... 

I have over the years dropped quite a few of those masks. I have over the years grown in myself. Nowadays I step firmer, I speak a little louder and I am somehow letting go of the fear of losing people just by speaking my mind. Actually, I think I became a bit tired of so many people around me speaking their mind with no respect for how those words might impact others, when I kept measuring every word, every gesture, wondering how they would make people feel. It became too heavy eventually, the constant effort for empathy. Not only that, but the constant awareness that my feelings were not always noble, that I couldn't be the perfect person I aspired to be. Against all my expectations for myself, when I felt hurt I often became resentful, I developed barriers, I could be hurtful, I could develop competitive traits which I usually don't have and become really petty about small thing. Against all my expectations for myself, I was human and the knowledge was crushing me. That's when I started to realise two things. One is that I wasn't allowing myself the right to be human, to have human feelings and human reactions. My expectations for myself were way too high. I am not as noble as I dreamed.....but I am also not as bad as I had led my own self to believe. The other thing I realised is that I wasn't allowing myself to express my feelings. I was  too worried about hurting others, about how petty or unreasonable I would look and about how other people would react. Would they be angry, would they not want me in their lives anymore, would they like me less? So I kept everything in unless I was pushed to my limits, I would express myself in passive aggressive ways, instead of stating my positions out loud. Which then made me be more resentful not only of others, but of myself. So I started dropping some masks. I started speaking. I started validating my feelings, my experiences, my side of the story. And somehow, that's when I started going from this:

.....to this:

It hasn't been easy nor is the process done. I still harbour many fears and still carry around way more masks than I would like to. But enormous progress has been done.... I have allowed myself to have a voice. I have allowed myself my own humanity. I have also allowed myself the right to struggle, to show my vulnerability. Sometimes the process has tore me apart. So many times I speak my mind and it haunts me.....how will people take it. Will they hate me for it, will they withdraw their affection. But it doesn't matter anymore. When I speak my mind I try very hard to do fairly. Only nowadays I am trying to be fair with both sides. I'm trying to be fair to myself as well as to others. Drawing boundaries. Allowing myself feelings. Demanding respect. Demanding to be seen as I am. Whoever is in my life that feels having reciprocal respect is too much.....they probably shouldn't be in it. Not if I respect myself. And not if I truly respect others. 

It's January 2021. Coronavirus days still. I wonder how one day we will look back on this. For me, it has been an awareness year. For so so many reasons. Reasons I somehow need to document. For myself. Maybe even for others that might feel similarly. So, suddenly the world was sort of turned upside down. Our lives have changed. Drastically, from one moment to the other. Nothing too weird there, we are all aware that somehow that might happen. We are all a short moment away from a potential radical unexpected life change. We pretend that possibility is not there because at the end of the day, it's only a possibility. A possibility we don't want to face, so we live our days pretending nothing can change our carefully built lives. Until some day something happens that shakes us to the core. Only this time, it was a collective change. For us in some places in the world, a collective change that fell on a society where we had forgotten about big life changing moments. A society where we had learned to be sheltered, we had learned to expect normalcy and comfort and security. We expected individual changes but we forgot collective ones can and will happen at any given moment in history. Or we had forgotten to remember they can happen. We had forgotten we are not owed any security in this life. We had forgotten we are not owed or promised an undisturbed daily life. 

The thing for me is.....my day to day never felt undisturbed. I never fitted in a society that works in an order that feels alien to me. I never adjusted to this place of hidden emotions, of controlled reactions, of expert use of masks. I'm a terrible pretender, so if asked to pretend, I just draw in myself more and more. I can't live hiding my own emotions, pretending my truths are any different than they are, I feel them all at the surface all the time. I feel the pain, the dreams, the expectations, the love, the hurt. Everything for me is felt fully, but can't be expressed fully, because then I would be considered ''unbalanced''. The pressure to appear ''balanced'', normal, not too much of this or that, takes a huge toll on me. It makes the world feel unsafe. If I can't be myself, with all the extent of my emotions, then who am I supposed to be? How am I supposed to play the part every day? What am I supposed to expect? That makes every day life a constant source or anxiety. 

This comes together with many other things...in resume, I am not neurotypical and I am asked to adjust to a world designed for neurotypical people. Explaining what this means, it's the subject for a whole different blog post. Where I am getting at is that, when coronavirus bomb exploded on us, suddenly the world felt more familiar to me, more approachable. You will think I'm crazy now.....but bear with me. I'm not that crazy (just a tiny bit maybe, whatever measure is necessary for artistic creation). The thing was, suddenly everyone was more in contact with their feelings, with their vulnerability, with their inner selves. Suddenly, everyone, and not just us, the ''weird ones'', was feeling uncomfortable, out of place, vulnerable. Suddenly, life didn't feel safe for anyone, and people were starting to have all sorts of weird reactions. Reactions they couldn't even understand themselves. People started dropping their masks, reacting emotionally. Sometimes reacting absurdly. 

People complained their lives were suspended. Interrupted. The funny thing was, for me, there was no interruption. My life was still pretty much going on as usual. I mean, I still have a body, which I was lucky enough to have remained healthy through all this, I still had my loved ones, near or far, but still pretty much there (again, luckily), I still had mornings and days and evenings, the will to create, my books, my very beloved children. The day to day changed, yes, but nothing was stolen from me. Not really. Don't get me wrong, as everyone else I have had to give up on some plans, to postpone others, to adjust to conditions that I might not have chosen. I haven't seen everyone I wanted to see or as often as I would have liked to see them. It felt disappointing and frustrating at times. I have my good and bad days. But truth to be said, that is no different from what life always is. I'm not more emotional than usual, definitely not more anxious and life doesn't feel any less uncertain because of coronavirus. Or limited. Because at the end of the day for me, that's how it has always felt anyway. 

So whilst, like everyone else, I wish for coronavirus to be under control and I wish we can all be free to move around, meet each other, not fear catching or transmitting to others something that could potentially be very harmful, this whole situation offered me a whole different approach on life, on how other people live life, on how I live it and my own limitations. Truth is, I have always felt something was not quite right with me. I didn't live like everyone else seemed to, I didn't have the ability to control my feelings the majority of people seems to have and I just seemed like too much of some things and too little of others, to fit in. My priorities seemed different from the majority of people. The attention I pay to the world is highly filtered by what really interests me  there is a lot going on that doesn't capture my attention. 

When confronted with this situation though, I suddenly didn't feel so inadequate. My executive functions (or should I say disfunctions) didn't feel particularly out of place. I was being able to be as productive as everyone else, if not more. With the stress of having to run from one place to the other out of the way, with no need to pretend every day for the outside world, much of my anxiety was eliminated and I was left with myself with a big purpose in hands: make this time as good as possible for my kids, carry on making their days interesting and at the same time, allow myself some time to grow creatively. I am fully aware I had the luxury of being able not to have additional worries throughout this time. But as with everyone, life goes on and not all worrying or troublesome situations are eliminated. So it's not by any means as life was perfect.....I was just suddenly feeling like the world was a more familiar place. People were speaking from the heart instead of from their carefully constructed towers. I saw people becoming more vulnerable, people who always have it all together struggling to get it all together. It came to the point in which the whole thing was a bit upside down. I had it more together than most. Now, don't get me wrong. I felt no pleasure whatsoever seeing people struggling. And I totally sympathise with the fact that people were struggling, It was just the fact that it finally gave me the opportunity to be kinder and more understanding towards myself. To realise that the amount of anxiety and stress many people feel under right now is the same way I feel the rest of the time.

 I know many people will read this and think everyone is under stress and anxiety. But the truth is, it's not the same for all of us. Some of us live in a permanent state of alert and it's exhausting. We all have an ideal environment and degrees by which normal everyday life comes closer or further apart from that ideal environment. Mine doesn't come anywhere near close. Actually, it's so far away, I don't want life to be ''back to normal'' as many people are stating. Not the normal we knew previously. I obviously also don't want this ''new normal'' with masks (as in physical ones ha), travel limitations and suspended activities. I do believe it's a very necessary evil at the moment, but like everyone else, not something I feel comfortable with, just something I endure because I believe it's really important to do so. 

The new normal I would like us to have is a more real world. A world in which we are allowed to say we're struggling without being labelled as weak, drama-queens/kings or weird. A world in which when people ask us how we're feeling we don't need to moderate our response in order not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. A world in which crying is not embarrassing and neither is jumping for joy or hugging trees or dance in the streets or photograph in weird positions in the most unexpected places (that last one would be me!). A world in which we can take a book to a queue at school without having 20 of the parents asking me if I expect to be bored by the school performance (I don't, I just hate waiting in queue and love my books). A world in which we can change course as many times as we wish in life without fearing the weight of society deciding how right or wrong our decision is. A world in which we don't need to keep up a farce to appear professional, we just need to deliver good quality work. A world in which human relations are worth more than status, mobile phones, how you choose to dress, how highly educated you are, where you came from, the colour of your skin or your preferences when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships. A world in which you don't need to be a certain shape or struggle to keep up with unrealistic ideals. A world in which children's learning is not measure in achievements that must be completed by a certain age otherwise they will be considered to be ''falling behind'' no matter how much life knowledge they are having access to. A world in which we can actually respect different choices and we don't need everyone else to be like us, we don't need our choices to be THE best, just to be valued and respected. A world in which we don't need to be divided into corporate people and hippies, because no matter what your skills are, they all have a place to exist and be valued. Very organised scientific minds are essential and so are the more chaotic free artistic ones. We don't need to choose a side, we don't need to determine which ones of us are more valuable. We just all need to see our best abilities and skills valued and respected. And the fact that we all don't work the same way. Some of us are early risers, others work well into the night, some of us love living in a suit, some of us like sporty comfortable clothes, and others yet see dressing as a blank pallet in which we feel free to express ourselves in all colours of the rainbow according to our present mood (that would be me!).  

Above anything else I wish for a world in which we can be real. Grow older without feeling that showing our age makes us somehow inferior (what sort of crazy reality do we live in anyway, that have allowed us to feel like that??) A world in which having extreme feelings doesn't make others uncomfortable. A world in which we are not afraid of our own feelings, in which we are open to live life in all its beauty and not only within the constraints of what feels safe. A world in which being is valued more than doing. And for heaven's sake, a world in which we finally understand how much we need to respect this planet and realise it really needs our attention. In which we realise that coronavirus is not the cause of all problems: we are. We drove the world to this. It's now being made into a political and social problem because of the issues our society carries. It has gotten people against each other but from where I see it our fight should be only one. Get this thing under control before our health systems crash and then start thinking different. About the planet, about how much we are threatening it. About life and how we waste it on petty fights. How are we not learning with this, how are we not seeing ourselves with all our downfalls so clearly. Was life really that comfortable before for everyone, that we can't wait to go back to the usual mindless rush? Can we go back with a heightened awareness? Of ourselves, of life, of each other? 

Knowing the world won't change that much as a whole, I am left with the next question, which is, what have I learned from all this? What can I take from this situation that will make me grow and help me in the future. There are a few things I can think of straight away:

1. Resilience: I should have known by now I have some degree of resilience, but this crisis made me realise sometimes our resilience comes from unexpected places. We can't all be resilient to everything, and that's ok. But sometimes we are surprised to discover resilience in places we didn't know we had. I could give examples, but they would make this post far too extensive. The bottom line is that there were instances in which I thought I was hitting a wall to then understand I could go over that wall, or find a door or a window big enough to let me go through. 

2. Accepting one's limits. One thing is the person I want to be. The person I am doesn't always measure up. Just because I decided I would have a full day that included successful homeschooling, baking, creating and some business and skill learning, on top of dyeing my hair it doesn't mean that if I only achieve one of those goals and poorly, the day was necessarily a failure. Accepting that sometimes things just are as they are while still striving to be the best version of ourselves everyday is a great skill. And one that avoids the all or nothing mentality. Over time I have developed a bit of an aversion for very tangible goals, mainly because they can result in very tangible disappointments. So instead of telling myself ''I will do Pilates every day for at least 20 min 6 days a week'' I now try to plant the habit of introducing Pilates whenever I can. Any session I can make, it's a win. If I don't manage one today, I will keep the focus and maybe I will manage one the next day. The goal is there....just not in a fixed shape. It works for me, not for everyone, some people need tangible goals to be motivated. I prefer to have a focus that allows for a lot of flexibility. I am too much of a perfectionist to be able to deal with a goal that is not flexible, because then each mistake renders the whole effort pointless in my head. Lockdown made me extend that notion. 

3. Be in the moment. I constantly project things in the future. It's my nature. I have a focus, I have things I am constantly working towards. Many people wouldn't know that because they are not things you can necessarily be seen, like a big house, or a recognised career (though I do want that too at the moment, but maybe not in such a visceral manner). My main goals are somehow more diffuse. I want a truthful life surrounded by people that make sense in it. I want to grow as a creator, as an artist. I want to grow as a person. I want to overcome fears and become a better person. I want to be there for my children the best way possible and keep growing as a parent and keep our connection strong. I want to be there for the people I love and grow in understanding and fairness and tolerance. I want to be more connected to nature and to its natural rhythms and I want my life to feel more like flowing and less than spurting irregular amounts of water randomly There are other more tangible goals, but these are the things that keep me going. These are my most visceral goals. They are connected to life itself, to relationships, to growing as a person, to growing as an artist. Without that, my energy is gone, I am nothing but a shell. But that somehow gets projected onto more tangible things that have me looking forward, giving me the impression my life would somehow be closer to my true wishes if only those particular things took place. Some of them might be true, but it's easy to lose track of now. It's easy to lose track of what we already have going on for us in each moment. In the attempt to keep doing, it's very easy to lose track of being. Everyday life is so full of things that must be done, I can hardly breathe sometimes and I get caught in the must do fever. Lockdown allowed me to slow down. Look at my days. Take each one as it came. Accept them. Accept the different hours and the different changes we go through as they go by. Which really, takes me back to acceptance. Of my limits but also of life, of things as they are. Living each day as well as possible with whatever we are given. Now, if I can do this when things slow down, my quest will be to keep this ability when things speed up again. Maybe I need to determine how fast I go. Maybe I need to be the one taking responsibility for the speed of my life, rather than always saying that life ''demands'' us to go at a certain speed. Easier said than done, especially since when we have kids, our choices affect them in a domino effect, but it's a good thing to have in mind.

4. Not being afraid of setting up boundaries. One of the most unpleasant feelings during this pandemia was the way the world seems to be divided. I have been trying to do what I consider to be the best course of action since the beginning. It hasn't been perfect, not many people have managed perfection so far, but I feel it's been fairly adequate to the best of my knowledge. At times that meant being in disagreement with people who are close to me. At times also, it meant being wrongly judged as being in panic or reacting mindlessly to the media. I must confess, that one has annoyed me, because for one I haven't actually been this calm in years and years, and second, I am doing my very best here and it doesn't come without an effort. And people who know me should know me enough to know, if I take a decision, it's usually based on something very tangible. Eventually, being afraid to offend or being too honest about my opinion, finally turned into being able to confront people and not being afraid of the conflict it may cause. Because at the end of the day, people who are in my life will need to respect my decisions, even when they don't necessarily agree with them. I think for every one of us though, that has been a two edged sword over the last year, which leads me to the next point:

5. Learning acceptance towards different opinions. Now, there has been an awful lot to disagree about over the last few years. Brexit, racial views, politics, you name it. Most of these issues are as old as time, but suddenly we were all discussing them openly online and often being shocked at finding people who we really admire have a very different vision from our own. Where do we stand then? How do we accept different views on things we feel so viscerally about? Some of those things for me have not much space for a  middle term, others are a lot greyer in appearance. Coronavirus, let's face it, it's a very grey area. Sort of (or is it??) . I will make a confession, when I think I'm right, I think I'm right. What I don't normally have is opinions on what is right for others, but I know what I think is right for me. And as everyone else, I have an opinion on what I think is the right course of action for the well being of the community when one's actions do affect the community. Tricky one with coronavirus, because it managed to get quite a few divisions, with we all feeling that each person's individual choices were affecting our own, no matter what side of the argument we were in. So I have been doing a huge exercise of trying to accept different views. I fail at it every day and then try to pick it up from where I was. I take deep breathes and try not to get annoyed at actions that differ from what I think is the right thing to do. It's hard and it's hard to admit for someone who always defended tolerance like myself, to admit I am having a hard time digesting approaches that are different from mine. It's a bit of a slap in the face. But one I will gladly take as I don't want to shy away from being gloriously human, because I don't want to sugar coat who I really am. That is part of my quest. But in doing so, I also know my tolerance towards people will be decreased. Not in terms of accepting different views in this case, rather in terms of self honesty. The more I am able to look myself in the eye and admit my downfalls, even the ones I most despise, the more I will want to surround myself with people who can do the same. Because what I won't do is stand in the middle waving my downfalls around while others use them to glorify their own pretend perfection. If I'm going to be honest, I will be wanting honesty. More and more so. And there are many people who feel the same as me, thankfully. 

6. Learning to be flexible, thankful and making the best of what we have. There was a time in the past in which I felt that if I didn't leave the small town we live in every single week I would suffocate. It's been over a year in which we hardly stepped outside Llanelli and we haven't left the house excect for walks around the neighbourhood since somewhere in December. Guess what, I am still breathing. And surprisingly enough, I am still bloody excited about life. I don't know why or how, I just am. I look forward to the next day. Not only the day we will come out of lockdown, but the actual next day. Sometimes I am bored to death with school tasks and I feel that if I see one more dish to wash or have one more meal to cook I will scream. Sometimes I look outside and the grey weather is enough to make me want to hide under the covers. But then I engage in something that I enjoy, spend some time laughing with my kids or chat to a friend online and the next thing I know my mojo is back and photography images run through my mind.  Maybe it is because what was preventing me from breathing was not so much the lack of stimulation. My mind is a world of its own and together with my camera, books, internet, nature, craft materials and the presence, distant or close, of loved ones, I have more stimulation than I could wish for in 10 life times. What was preventing me from breathing was the demands, the rush, the stress of having to do it all, fitting it all in all the while keeping the pretence I am sane and I am a valid member of society as determined by our insufficient social rules. Maybe what I need to is to stop pretending even more. Surround myself with people who need no pretences to accept me. Slow down. Tell the inner voices that tell me I need to achieve this and this and that,  they can do one and let life flow. Let life happen instead of running after it. That doesn't mean not striving for better, not improving myself or allowing things to be horrible. It just means not to force things, accept my own rhythms, accept my own boundaries and make sure other people can accept them as well. 

I might be writing in here more often again. Maybe. For now, the need to put all this in a text flooded over me, I just had to do it. And I allowed myself to demand that time from my family. Everyone is still alive and well and no harm came into the world. Now that this very strong internal need has been met, I will have more availability to be with the kids, all we need to do is to stretch the boundaries of our already flexible schedules a bit more. I congratulate you if you read this far. If you empathised with some of it, that was the point of making it public. If you didn't, but somehow got to understand other people maybe a bit better, that too, would make me happy. I am writing to myself more than anything, but it's an act of braveness to share this with (some of) the world. As such, feel free to comment.