It's dark outside. It's dark outside all day and I struggle with that lack of light, it's like a fog is over our heads all the time and my mind never quite clears as it should. Like I'm stuck in one of those dreams in which you want to wake up, but things don't quite work as expected.
Having said that, it feels a bit like the world is not quite working as expected. People have gone obscure. Like there's a dark veil over their consciousnesses too. I feel like I'm waddling through muddy waters when I try to speak to people. Rejection sensitive dysphoria tells me it's me. I've grown dislikeable. Now that I don't try to please everyone, people don't like me as before. Is it that? Am I still accepted as I am, now that I grow more and more into myself? And how many people will get tired quickly once they get too close? How many of us ask themselves these questions but never voice them? And how quickly do we get disappointed with people because they don't tick all our boxes?
I rarely ever turn my back on people who are meaningful to me, but I am often left wondering......do I give too much meaning to things, situations, relationships? Do I expect too much truth. Is there such thing as too much truth? Will people be as truthful in their feelings for me?
I'm drained. It's dark. Things are not quite right. I am not quite right. I want to talk about it but I have forgotten how to. I want someone to read my mind and know when I am just slipping. Slipping into chaos. Into confusion. Into this constant feeling of not being able to adult. Not properly. Not as a real adult would. But then again I strongly distrust real adults and never really aspired to be one.
Random, random, random like the wind are my thoughts.......
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