Another crack in the wall. I feel stone cold.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I feel the strength but I don't like the bitter undertaste of it. I search in vain for kindness inside myself. Something softer than the immovable walls. Moss maybe....with its weird capacity of existing somewhere between romanticism and underground. But I know I won't find it.....not just yet.....
I will need to step away from the walls. From these walls that close up around me making me want to run forever or at least until all I can see is an open extension all around me, with air to breathe. To exist.
I need to step away from the wall and follow paths of beauty and let my eyes and heart rest in open skies, brush strokes, harsh hot light, falling shadows, random rooftops, my foot on the asphalt, the golden light following me. I need to breathe in and allow the softness to re-enter me.
As usual, I keep my cool. I'm the swan who only paddles underneath the water out of everybody's visual field. Only I hardly feel like paddling......but I make myself do it..... And as I make myself keep going, as I push through because there is nothing else to do, I am secretly praying I am mature enough to learn whatever lesson comes with these last events.
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