Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Today or about everlasting fires

I did say it would be an internet-free day but then I broke the promise at breakfast and shortly after I went outside and it has happened, it happened and I could help myself. I had to write. The birds are born. I was counting the days from when we found the nest and I was praying we would have the honour to see them and they are now born, a lot earlier then I thought they would.
It's so beatiful and so promising and I feel excited though worried. I want them to survive, I want them to get stronger and come out of their nest and spread their wings in the air and fly away, free for their lifetime. I can't help seeing them as a metaphor of our changing lifes, although that's quite conceived of me to think so, but I really don't mind.
Look! Isn't it amazing, just outside out door?

I will not spend the day typing on the computer though. My heart feels so full of feelings and hopes and excitment and anxiety and ohhh everthing.....Not only because of the birds but because of everything. The sun outside, although it is cooling down again and the clouds making their way back to this parcel of sky. All the promsing time ahead. The love. This fear like a constant claw pressuing my heart, this fear of the ends, of all the ends of all the things and the everlasting fight that makes me want to live eternity in each moment and forget about the finitude because there's nothing that can be done about that.
This fire inside me, something big always about to explode, something I've felt forever and that takes me back to when I was 14, 15, 16, 17.....this strenght, this love for life that is scary, because everything can be so beautiful and so glorious. All the doors are open and I fight to watch the open doors instead of staring terrified at the moment when they will be closed. I want to see a ghost, I want to fly out of my body and then come back again and finally live intensely, loving with all my heart, each moment and let myself be, through the moments, through the feelings. And everything is so glorious I feel like crying and fear must stop and I must trust eternity, this touchtable eternity of now, while I am in this body, this life, this love.
I prepare now to live another day and thank for that day and many others to come until we are wrinkled and twisted and small, and our hearts and souls big from all the love and light and life behind us.

Yesterday or about old ghosts

There are moments where the (my) world is turned upside down by the simple lining of numbers, the numbers, when the numbers line differentely, bringing an undesired sequence. The numbers I talk about, knowing everything has names which I rather ignore, have been with me for far too long, past their due living time, so long they forgot to be left behind, so long they barely need me to be fed. They feed themselves, little devlish things. They feed temselves on the memory of bony limbs. of endless steps along endless pavements, apples eaten under the sun and that cleaness of the air (was it true, or is is just a trick of my memory?). These moments when I loose track of both ends, let them slip through my fingers ,I wish to be able to crawl in a dark corner, waiting cristalized until the numbers are re-alined and the air can enter my nose abd fill my lungs.
I want to sleep until it goes away, I want to evaporate until there is order.
I just don't want to feel the world like this.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008


Memory: The first day of the year when I was able to wear short sleeves used to make me feel like a bird somebody just set free in the sky. Smells, sounds and the general feeling of spring. Even through my worst years, later on, this feeling remained, no matter how faint.

Nowadays, is becoming stronger and stronger again. I now live in a world of colors, flowers, creation, love, friendship and discoveries. Tempered by the ever present conciousness that we are nor eternal (should I say fear?). Learning to feel the eternity in each moment though.

The flowers and the warmth are back, and I prepare myself to feel the air on my skin.

Funny fact: For two days in a row, a bird came to our window, called for our attention and stood there, staring at us, while we stared back at him, wanting to ask him if there was something special he/she wanted to tell us. He/she flew away when I got my camera the first time, and flew away when I mentioned the word 'camera' the second time. I feel happy when I think about that visit.

We'll never know what made him/her stay there, for a short moment that felt like forever, looking inside while we were looking outside. My love freaked out a bit. That bird looked way too human I guess...birds don't just decide to stare through your window, calling for you on their arrival. 'Let it be' I said, 'he's bringing us a good message, whatever it is'. I decided he meant good fortune for our big changes about to come. How handy is that??

One of my special flowers...since ever. Pansy. 'Amor perfeito' in portuguese. That means 'perfect love'.

'The blackbirds flights are low, short and undulating but fast and direct over open country. They move with determination and focus and can teach us how to do the same. When blackbird flies into your life your connection with nature and the forces of creation increase. The magic of the underworld surfaces in your life. Awareness is heightened and change on a cellular level begins. The blackbird teaches you how to acknowledge your power and use it to its fullest.' (

'Blackbird - Omens and mysticism, color of fear and promise' (

Starling - Sociable, communicating diversity, forceful (

It was either a female blackbird or a starling (our visitor, that is).
I felt the visit was a good thing anyway.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Memory: For years, through my adolescence and maybe my childhood, seeing the sunset made me so happy that I wanted to run through a field, run through the beach, through the woods, express my happiness somehow. My heart seemed to explode with happiness, for a short untangible moment.

The hour that followed always seemed sad though, that short period when it's not day anymore, and it's not night yet. The night represented curiosity and later on desperation..although not always. There was also a fascination about nights as well, there has always been.
When I was little, I especially liked being in a car at night, being driven through the streets, watching the lamp lights, looking inside windows, having a short glimpse of somebody else's life. That fascinated me.