So this blog has been going back and forward, but for some reason I still tend to come back here instead of starting a new blog. Have been looking everywhere for good sites to host photography blogs, and although I find some great ones, they all have limitations to them, which is annoying as I want somewhere where I can file my photography series as I create them. If each site only allows like ten series, I would then need a thousand sites to host all my series. Well....maybe not those many, though eventually I would....
Anyway, it's been a funny year for me, and although being a mum is still the most amazing thing ever that makes me feel blessed every single day like a thousand times a day (and I am not exagerating here), eventually life goes back to having some harder moments together with things you can not fully explain and all the ups and downs that go on in one's head as it is. All that joined with the cold weather, which seems to be unendable this year, it's taking it's toll on me and I am now feeling I need to breathe and let the good energy flow in again.
There has been a lot for the past months. A lot of joy, a lot of tenderness, a lot of love, a lot of discoveries, new friends, rediscovering old friends, re-bounding with lost family members, new worlds, the growing of life long passions and the overwhelming world of parenthood with all its hopes and fears. But there has also been worries, and fears that are more in your head than in the reality of every day, and premonitions, and falling off with people you'd never think you would, and disapointments, and feeling elated just to have that feeling being taken away from you, and nervousness, and guilt.
Guilt is not good. Guilt takes you nowhere and I strongly resent people who proposefully make you feel guilty. Even if I did that myself at some point in my life. But it was wrong and nobody should drive anyone into guilt.
Especially, one shouldn't allow oneself to be eaten away by guilt, especially because we are often not guilty of the things we feel guilty for and tend to avoid guilt anyway when we've really done something wrong.
At this point I feel my lives needs to get on with the major cleaning that has been going on for a few years now. And the first to go will have to be guilt. I am happy now and it's not a question of deserving it or not, it's a question of being happy is only normal, it should be what one should expect for, it should be the rule, not the exception. Life will give you things to grieve over all of the time, so why is it that so often one feels that ''if I am too happy than something bad must be about to happen?'' Rubish. Bad things will happen to all of us, bad things have happened to all of us, but it is not the case of waiting for a disaster every single day. Which sometimes I do. It's ok to be happy, it's ok to have things I am grateful for, it's ok to be blessed. I deserve it, not because I have suffered enough (which I might have, but one doesn't have to suffer to deserve happiness) but only because I am alive and I am a half decent person.
I would also like to add, so that it finally sinks in, that I don't need to be perfect to deserve my happiness. I am not perfect. I am sure people have been disappointed with me, probably as much as I have been disappointed with them. I don't always do the right thing, but nobody I know does. And many people I love don't always do the right thing with me. Which is ok.....most times. Sometimes is not, but that's ok too. And the same goes both ways. I am sick and tired of people playing games with emotions, and I am not refering to romantic relationships here. Life must be made easier and guilt free. So you know the old saying ''miss someone, call them! wanna say something, say it! love someone, tell them! wanna share your feelings, do?'' and so on? That's how it should be. We don't need to justify our feelings and we don't need to play silly games to be heard. Not in full adulthood, for Christ sake..........
......rant over, I suppose.......
So I want some spring in my life, even though the weather feels way too cold for spring. But my soul needs a spring season, and that's what I will try to give her.
Which brings me back to photography. I think this blog will finally turn into what it should have been from the start: a photography blog. That's what I was doing wrong.....I must put here the thing I do without any efort every day, or nearly.
Because I may love vintage, but I am not dedicated to it every day. And I love clothes, but it's the same......and I love travelling, but I don't travel every day, do I? The one thing that is always consistently with me, even if I am not actively photographing is photography. So let's turn all this around. Photography is the main focus...and then, it may bring all the other stuff with it. Or it might not. It will probably bring some of it.
So let's start anew! With this blog and with my life. No more I will be dragged into guilt games and no more I will worry about things that haven't happened and will most probably never happen. The second one might be a tad harder to achieve, but ok, I've got time, we'll get there. Also I will try to be more in tune with what is happening and stop trying to control things to reach the perfect situation for everything. I've just had the proof that sometimes we loose time worrying about details that don't matter at all. Like when you planned the perfect evening with someone and everything turns out wrong? It's raining and the car broke down and you couldn't put that one dress you feel amazing in....you know the feeling. And you feel so sad because things didn't come out as planed? Just dress something else, you'll look equally amazing, and enjoy a nice walk in the rain and a good laugh afterwards. Obviously, this is just a silly example, and I am talking about bigger things, but still...it's the attitude that matters.
So here we go.....I will leave you with some of my latest work.
The lay out might change again, once I find a better one for photography...if I ever do!